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Is it that you have a hard time celebrating yourself or are you suffering from survivors' guilt? This is a question I've been sitting with lately. I wrote an entire book about my grief, so it’s not hard to deduce what had to occur in order for the inspiration to find me.
I have come to learn the true presence of duality amidst emotions. I can celebrate an accomplishment or look forward to an event while still feeling the weight of all that has been lost. They don’t cancel each other out. Joy still comes in the mourning.
“Grief feels like standing on a stage before a sold-out crowd but only noticing the empty seats.”
I still feel the loss of who should be here for the biggest moments of my life, but I know that in some way they still are. I hold tight to the belief that energy never dies, and I’ve had enough confirmations of their presence to solidify that belief. I think that some of my greatest cheerleaders in life are the ones that have gone on before me. I am carrying a torch that they handed me. It’s honoring and painful simultaneously. As I become more comfortable with the duality of emotions, the more permission I give myself to feel their fullness.
Walt Whitman may have said it best; do I contradict myself? Very well then I contradict myself. I am large, I contain multitudes. May we not box ourselves into any emotion but allow ourselves to fully feel in order to be fully free.
